Why My Toddlers Are Better Negotiators Than Most Lawyers I Know

Every now and then, I sit back and marvel at the sheer brilliance of my children. Not just because they're adorable (which, of course, they are), but because at the tender ages of almost two and three, they have somehow mastered the ancient art of negotiation with the flair of seasoned diplomats and the persistence of a bulldog with a bone.

Here's why Ziv and Zoe might just be the most effective negotiators I know.

1. They Know Their Audience

If I say no, they don't panic, they pivot. Ziv clasps his hands together, looks at me with those big, imploring eyes, and says in the softest voice imaginable:
"Pleeeeeaassseeee?" Zoe, on the other hand, is a strategist. She plays the long game. She waits a bit, then sneaks up with a kiss and a glacier-melting smile. Translation: "Now can I have what I want?"

2. They Use the Power of Repetition

In court, repetition can weaken your argument. In toddler world, it's a masterstroke. "Juice please. Juice please." Eventually, your resistance breaks. Not out of agreement, but because your sanity begins to slip. I've seen lawyers give up under less pressure. Honestly, I've given up under less pressure.

3. They Offer Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR)

When a tantrum doesn't work, they shift tactics with admirable grace. Zoe says, "Okay, no TV... play bubbles?" Ziv follows up with, "No biscuits... just popsicle?" They suggest alternatives. They compromise. Sometimes they even propose solutions that are surprisingly reasonable. They are tiny mediators in footed pajamas.

4. They Understand Leverage

Ziv knows that bedtime is when our parental defenses are at their weakest. That's when he asks for the most random things. He'll call for water immediately after finishing his last cup. Then again five minutes later. And again. Until we tire each other out. Zoe waits until we're already late for school to insist on wearing her pink watch instead of the purple bracelet we all thought she loved. Their timing is flawless. They strike when energy is low and pressure is high. And any skilled negotiator will tell you this: timing is gold.

5. They Aren't Afraid of Silence

Silence in a courtroom can be powerful. Silence from a toddler is terrifying. When Zoe goes quiet, it's not surrender. It's strategy. She is planning something. Maybe hiding crayons in the oddest crevices. Maybe drawing a mural on a wall somewhere. Either way, you'll discover the results soon enough. And you'll realize the silence was anything but passive.

6. They Use Emotion as a Tool (And Win Every Time)

Let's face it. When a chubby-cheeked almost-two-year-old waddles over during a heated debate and says, "Love you, Mamma," the battle is over. Case closed. Toy granted. Cookie unwrapped. You won't even remember what your original position was. You've been emotionally compromised, and they know it.

Final Verdict?

If toddlers ever form a union, we're finished. They are already winning negotiations one juice box at a time. Honestly, I now believe every aspiring lawyer should do a three-month internship with a toddler. They would learn more about negotiation strategy, timing, emotional intelligence, and persistence than any textbook could ever teach.

As for me? I'm off to prepare my closing arguments for tonight's bedtime negotiations. Wish me luck. I'm up against the best in the game.

By a Very Out-Negotiated Mother
(LL.M in ADR, but still loses to a toddler in a blanket cape)